Changes are coming. This blog will return very soon in one form or another. I have an itch.
Drew
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For those of you who know the story, you know how my life took an unexpected turn during the month of April. You'll notice there's been a little site redesign and I thank Tim for getting the changes done so quickly. For those of you just joining the site, I'm sorry, you'll just have to cope with the same confusion and frustration I've been experiencing for just over a month. Bear with me...over time, you'll be happy you did.
I'm back in Charleston for an undertermined amount of time taking care of stuff, putting my life back together, and preparing for the next step where ever it takes me...yes, me and only me.
The boat is still in Ecuador , set up for long term storage. I will return to her one day when I am ready but I need to know I'm going back for the right reasons. As a close friend put it so eloquently, I need to go back because I'm running to something and not because I'm running away from anything.
I want to thank all the friends and family who've come out of the woodwork to support me through these tough times. I can honestly say that I never knew so many people cared but then again, it was probably just me not taking the time to notice. Live and learn. I'll never let that happen again. Thank you all.
If you sent support my way via email, I may have missed it because the old email addresses directed stuff into some blackhole. Please use the contact form for comments and questions.
Ok, that's it. I don't know when I'll start writing publicly again but it'll come back one day. If "purpose" was a thing I once had, I've definitely lost it. I can only hope it's temporary.
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
Drew
| Charleston, USA |
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This incredible journey is on hold for an undetermined amount of time. I removed the last post because the person who matters the most to me in the world asked me to do so. But for those who got to read it, you know the story. I am going home. We are going to fix this issue. That is all I know at this point. I am setting up the boat for long term storage eventhough it pains me deeply to do so. It hurts just as bad as saying goodbye to you best friend.
| Ecuador |
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I used to think I had a problem. I've always had difficulty reaching out to other people and even more trouble letting them reach out to me. Every once and a while, someone comes into my life and we connect, but other than that, I've always relied on the particular companion I had chosen for love, comfort, support, and true friendship. In my life, that totals two people.
I'm a true believer in marriage. The idea of two people wholly committed to each other, trusting the other in every way, appeals to my deepest sense of life. I love the concept of sharing everything with one other person, feeling completely at ease simply because they are near, telling them things you would never tell another soul, all leading up to the decision of when to start a family of your own. Sure I dream of "playboying it around" every once and a while, but marriage and the deep bond formed between two people is much more valuable in my eyes and I don't take that bond lightly. That's why I raced out early in life looking for that connection.
So that problem I used to "have" I'll call my heart-of-stone. We knew it was a problem of mine; Hailey and I discussed it ever so often. I put so much value on the time we spent together, I would block out other people. We saw this as a fault.
These days I view that trait as no fault. It's a good attribute. It's good to want to spend time with the person you chose as a life partner. Yes, I can be much better at letting others in, but, in general, my actions hurt no one but myself. Over the past couple of weeks Hailey and I have been working through some tough times. Upon her return to the boat, she made a declaration that rocked me to the core. It ruptured the relationship that we now see as "already slightly damaged." I never personally viewed the relationship as negative. I never loved her any less. I never looked outside our marriage. But we had our issues. The big issue for me was trust. During our time together I noticed a pattern developing and it caused me to distance myself, to let a small piece of my heart turn to stone. We both felt it come on. That fact ate away at Hailey. She continued to love me but she started to wonder back home in her mind to her family, her friends, her support system. Somewhere in there she confused home with a particular person, her "best male friend," and she began to think about him. I truly believe she didn't mean for that to happen but I can't be concerned with that. All I can be concerned with is how she handled the situation with me. I didn't take the news well. It took many days and nights of very intense conversations but after a while, I recognized my role and promised her and myself that I would change for the better. She in turn promised me complete honesty, something she's always had trouble with for some reason. I asked that she cut off the relationship with him and she agreed. We made up and began the process of repairing our marriage. She faltered and lied to me several more times during all this but I trusted her, I trusted that bond we had formed. And that's how it went. My little stonewalling problem would vanish and her lying would cease.
The reason for my change of heart; the reason I no longer view my heart-of-stone trait as a fault is because now, as of today, I've seen what a true heart-of-stone looks like. To take your crying husband in your arms at the most vulnerable, embarrassing, painful time of his life is valiant. To lie through your teeth to that man at that exact same moment is unforgivable. Now I see. Now I understand. It wasn't me with the problem all along.
I apologize to the people who are hurt by my writing about this here. If you've ever had a conversation with me you know talking is not my strong point. Writing is the best way for me to get my feelings across and publishing it just feels right. A great woman once told me "just be honest with people about your feelings...they'll understand." Well darling, this is me, changing my life in the best way I know how.
To say where it goes from here would be only a guess. I'm stuck in the position of being alone on a boat in a third world country with no motivation to stay or go. I'm not well and I'm not sure anyone or anything could make me so. I've lost my life companion. I still love her so much but the pain she's caused me is great and I can't live my life under those terms. I deserve better. We both know that. My heart is literally aching. By the time I got back to the boat after our final goodbye I was reeling from the pain in my chest. I couldn't breath. I just sat on the floor and cried. I've now reached the lowest point in my life and I have to force myself to move on.
Everyone says, "time will heal, time will heal," but how much time and how much of this can I really put behind me? Hailey affected my life in so many ways. If it weren't for the lying and that "just a friend" thing, she was the perfect wife. But isn't honesty the most basic of all marriages principles? Am I being silly about this? No. I am not. It's how I feel and I feel very strongly about it. I want to trust again, to love another, to have a family one day. I don't want to be that bitter guy who never opens up again. Is that what the "time" takes care of?
I am home here on the boat but I'm confused how to feel about poor Dosia. The thought of selling her completely breaks my heart but this was our boat and our life. How do I look around and forget about the person who helped create all this? It's amazing the small things around that will make you cry.
Somewhere deep inside I feel my flame. It went out completely when Hailey gave me the news on April 1st and slowly regenerated as we worked through our problems. Today she almost extinguished it again but there's still a small spark. This time I have to rebuild it on my own...fans the flames of my own fire so to speak. There's some sort of hint that my pain can change the direction of my life; that I can redirect my emotions into making something great. I just have to pull myself up off the ground and do it. Give me a few days on that. Right now, I'm hurting...I'm hurting real bad.
Drew
| Ecuador |
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Look familiar?!? Sailblogs was able to replicate our old site beautifully but with the additional functions I wanted. We couldn't be happier with Tim and Elisabeth and all their hard work.
Check out the "location" tab up top. That's our new Google Earth tracker. The best way to view this map is in the free Google Earth progam but this is the basic map you can see without it. If you want to download Google Earth, follow the link on that page. It's a useful tool. I've been using it to study the harbors of places we visit on the boat before we get there. We can send position updates whenever we want so everyone can track our progress across the Pacific.
Also, check out the new gallery. We're still finishing up details here and there, but all the old photos are loaded and new ones are up. This is an entirely new and way more functional gallery than the one we had before.
Please note that our email is changing. We're starting fresh for the South Pacific and combining everything to one address to lower our sat phone time. Family and close friends will get our new address in an upcoming email. Everyone else, you will want to use our contact form to mail us and you'll get our new address in your reply.
This is a new beginning for us. With this film idea, we're changing how we live our lives and view this trip. For a long time everything we did, everything we worked for went to this journey. We achieved that goal. We made it. Now, it's time to recognize we need something like that; a common interest that drives us forward. Now our life is no longer "boat, boat, boat" or "travel, travel, travel." It's family, friends, each other, and "film, film, film." This is what we've needed all along...a common goal, above just getting to the next place. Now we have that...a goal that controls, or at least heavily influences, those places that we plan on visiting. Welcome to the new lostonpurpose.net. Enjoy the ride.
| Ecuador |
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You won't believe this. Right now there are at least 10 people in the 20-40 age range in this boatyard. It's like some 4th dimension of cruisers. You hear about them but you never really thought they existed.
Check out these websites:
S/V Sereia
Aldebaran
The second one may be a little confusing since it was written for little kids but if you click on "Other Journeys" on the bottom left side of the page and then "Travelers' Bios" you'll see Ryan, Bryan, Aaron, and Ashley. They are all here in the marina!
There's several other young people around as well crewing on different boats. It's completely unusual to be surrounded by people our age so we're taking advantage of it. Yesterday, we headed off to Montanita with the four kids from Aldebaran and Joy who is crewing on Wooden Shoe. We were hoping Peter and Antonia from Sereia would make it as well but they're in the midst of having their topsides painted and they wanted to be around the yard.
Montanita is a small surfing town with a big tourist feel. There's tons of inexpensive hostels and inns. The beach is huge and the crowd is young. One end is extremely popular with surfers. They walk out to the end of a rocky point and jump in behind the break. Just like every other touristy beach we've been to in S. America, there's vendors all over selling everything from jewelry to oyster ceviche.
We settled into a hostel right on the beach. $6 for a mattress on the floor and a mosquito net in an open air room on the third floor. The space is shared with probably 40 other people. It was perfect.
Here we are peacefully celebrating Easter.
| Ecuador |
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